Sociopaths send a chill down most people’s spine, in part due to the popularity of true crime books and podcasts. Part of this is fear-based rejection of those we imagine lack guilt or remorse for their bad behavior, wish to manipulate us for their personal pleasure, or enjoy causing suffering and embarrassment to others. Add to that the difficulty in discerning who is a sociopath, their ability to appear normal, even charming, and we fear being gullible, tricked, harmed. Much of what I described is based on stereotypes of sociopaths, from movies, television, books, and to a degree, reality. There are outliers among us who engage in these behaviors, at least until they are found out and put in prison. None of us wishes to be their victim.

Considering the fact that at least five percent of the population is on the psychopathic-sociopathic-anti-social spectrum, it is highly likely that you have met, or know of someone with this personality type. It is also quite misunderstood, perhaps due largely to the best known psychopaths, such as Ted Bundy, people who engage in harmful, deadly behaviors to the point that they cannot live among us safely. The Cleveland Clinic estimates that 40-70% of the American prison population are on this spectrum. Most who do live in society are on the middle or lower end of the spectrum, and can go below the radar, and do not engage in criminal behavior.

Gagne uses her life experience to clarify the emotional life experiences and behaviors that sociopaths struggle with, in order to function in society. She describes it as having an emotional learning disability, where learning socially acquired emotions such as love, empathy, guilt, and remorse is much more difficult, and if learned, will be experienced differently by the sociopath than for those for whom such emotions are learned more easily and naturally. To adapt, sociopaths often develop a glib, superficial charm, will fake emotional responses either to fit in or to manipulate others, form few relationships, and engage in lying and deception. Gagne describes using close relationships as crutches using friends or family as external controls or an external conscience, a way to stay motivated for being “good.” Also, she describes relationships where she is used by others for her ease at “bad” behaviors, making it exciting and fun to be around her, with her ease at engaging in these “adventures” of bad behavior. Gagne describes the pressures she felt when her apathy would be overwhelming, when the need for dopamine would only be met when doing something taboo or illegal, such as breaking into people’s homes (she owned a lock picking kit for awhile), stealing someone’s car for an overnight joyride, and other transgressive behavior. She would feel a lift, unencumbered by guilt or remorse, and be able to relax. She was fully aware that these were unhealthy, antisocial ways of coping, and she needed to learn appropriate coping strategies to experience a more fulfilling life.

Gagne pursues a doctorate in psychology largely to understand herself better. By doing so, she discovers that she is uniquely well positioned to be an effective therapist, since she does not get emotionally entangled in a patient’s issues, but can see more clearly the ways the person can work their way out. Cognitive behavioral methods work best for these types, since one can carefully map out the triggers, cognitions, behaviors, and consequences, and then learn strategies for making healthier choices.

To a degree, Gagne downplays the importance of guilt and remorse, using the cliche, “Catholic guilt”, implying it is something to be rid of. That is a popular cultural notion, that nothing good comes of these feelings, and they only impede doing whatever you want, as long as no one is hurt, the prevailing cultural norm. Guilt is a useful feeling, as it serves as the alert from a properly developed conscience that one has committed a trangression, and it must be addressed. Remorse, the next step in the process, is an indicator that correction and amends are needed. For Catholics, this would trigger an examination of conscience, the sacrament of confession, then righting the wrong, performing penance. This strengthens the will to not commit further offense against God or man. As with any emotion, guilt and remorse in excess are disordered, unhealthy, even painful. We have lost our sense of this in our culture, as we have lost our sense of sin.

Likewise, anxiety in small doses serves the purpose of helping us avoid harmful, dangerous, or embarrassing situations. Like guilt, anxiety in excess is unhelpful, even painful. One can think of the sociopath’s feeling of excess apathy as their difficulty to be overcome, as an excess of apathy can ruin relationships, and potentially lead to destructive, even dangerous antisocial behaviors. I think Gagne’s memoir is courageous, and a very prosocial book, as it seeks to give the average person a sense of the internal world of a sociopath, and the very real challenges they face to be a productive, happy, integrated part of society. It is a test of our empathy as individuals to read such a book, and revise our view of the experiences of sociopaths around us. Highly recommended, especially for book discussion groups.